Ep 29: Talking to your child about body safety with Jayneen Sanders

Host: Cindy Hovington

GUEST: Jayneen Sanders, Author

Jayneen Sanders (aka Jay Dale) is an experienced early years educator, author, publisher, and blogger. Jayneen writes children’s books on Body Safety, consent, gender equality, respectful relationships, and social and emotional intelligence. She believes empowering children from an early age makes for empowered teenagers and adults.

Jayneen is Lead Author for the children’s literacy series ‘Engage Literacy’ published by Capstone Classroom and has written over 130 titles for that series.

Jayneen is importantly a mother of three daughters and has always advocated for their empowerment. Her ongoing passion for the safety and empowerment of children continues today with new manuscripts and free-to-download resources always in the wings. Jayneen’s work can be found at www.e2epublishing.info and on Amazon.

Summary

How do we teach body safety and consent to young children? How soon should we start? How to find the balance between teaching socially expected physical interactions while respecting the child's right to consent? How do we talk about private parts? What are the best terms to use? How to decide who is part of the safety network in which a child can trust to tell if abuse happens? What do you do if a child discloses sexual abuse to you? As a parent, do you have to ask for their consent every time you need to touch them? How to prepare your child to act if they face an unsafe situation? What are the signs that a child may have been abused? If you suspect that a child is being abused, what should you do? Join us as we chat about teaching young child body safety and consent with Jayneen Sanders, an educator, mother of three, and author of more than 100 stories for children with a focus on age-appropriate and empowering prevention education.

Key points:

One in five girls and one in eight boys will be sexually abused before they are eighteen
Giving the knowledge to the children empowers and protects them against perpetrators abuse
It is our responsibility as parents and caregivers to provide the child with the information just in case they ever need it (even though we expect they don't have to use it) because the danger will not go away if we don't
Use age-appropriate materials to talk about body safety and consent
You can start teaching consent to very young children by describing what you're doing to them (e.g. while changing nappies or bathing them)
Once they start to speak, explain that they have a "body bubble" and that people need their permission to step in
Learning how to respect the body boundaries of family members is also part of body safety and consent education
Health professionals should ask for consent before being in physical contact with children, and parents can ask for that to be considered
Children who learn consent at a young age will have a strong notion of what consent means as teenagers and adults
Modelling consent at home (e.g. between partners) is an important aspect of consent education
Using the term "private parts" teaches children the difference between public and private
Teaching children to use appropriate terms for their body parts empower them to describe abuse if it happens to them
Always have open conversations with your children about the subjects they are curious about, avoiding shaming or blaming them for their curiosity
Talk with your child about how does it feel to feel unsafe, so they can recognize the signs of an unsafe situation
Ask your child to decide on a safety network (three to five adults that they can trust and are accessible and will believe them)
Talk about the difference between secrets and good surprises
Have a family safety word (like "carrots") for your child to use when they need help out of an unsafe situation
If having the conversation about body safety with your child is triggering for you, try to use a book or another material as support
If you get a disclosure of sexual abuse from a child, stay calm. Avoid looking shocked or horrified, and tell them how brave they are to speak out and that you believe them, and that you will try to get them help.
Don't promise the abuse is going to stop if that is not under your control
Be prepared to explain to family members that you are teaching body safety and consent to your child (including knowing the names of their body parts, which are not "bad words")
If after learning consent a child says no to a parent (e.g. for changing their nappies, holding their hand when crossing the street), explain that is your job to keep them safe
Give a child choice as soon and as often as possible. Let them wash their body parts when they can. Let them pick their clothes. Having a choice empowers your child towards their bodies.
Teach your child to respect your body boundaries as well, so they can learn by example
Avoid using "good" or "bad" when talking about body safety, as these words are relative and specific to the context. Prefer to use "safe" and "unsafe" when talking about appropriate/inappropriate touch.
You can teach children to recognize a range of feelings from early on (e.g. frustrated, upset, disappointed) rather than only focus on big emotions (sad, happy, scared)
Expand the "feeling" vocabulary of your child ("I feel scared/unsafe/worried/ excited/comfortable/uncomfortable") so they learn to better distinguish between safe and unsafe situations
Practice with your child saying "stop, this is my body, it belongs to me", so they know what do to if they face an unsafe/abusive situation
Teach that if they feel unsafe, they need to get away from the situation as quickly as possible and reach a trusted adult in their safety network
There's no need to talk in details about sex/sexual abuse with children while teaching body safety and consent
Some signs of potential sexual abuse in a child: wanting to touch other children's genitals all the time, looking under toilet doors, rubbing their genitals constantly, using language not expected for their age, having more knowledge about sexual activities than they should, reacting to educational content on body safety in an upset or uncomfortable way, trying to avoid contact with the perpetrator, having a sick tummy
If you suspect a child is being abused, you can look for a sexual assault advisory organization, explain your concerns and ask what next steps you could take to help
Help to spread the importance of teaching body safety and consent to children by talking about it with other parents, sharing your experience and resources on the subject

Take-home messages:

Children need to receive education about body safety and consent before they are exposed to abusive situations
It is our responsibility as parents and caregivers to empower children with information and skills that will protect them against perpetrators abuse
Our avoidance, fear or discomfort of educating our children about body safety and consent is what the perpetrators use to getaway
Body safety and consent can be taught with age-appropriate material and language
Body safety and consent-educated children will become empowered and respectful teenagers and adults