Ep 31: Helping parents harness their inner voice Dr. Ethan Kross.
Host: Cindy Hovington, Ph.D.
Co-host: Marion Vanhorn, Ph.D.
Guest: Ethan Kross
Ethan Kross is a professor in the University of Michigan Psychology Department and the director of the Emotion & Self Control Laboratory. He is also one of the world’s leading experts on controlling the conscious mind. His research has been featured in The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, The New Yorker, The New England Journal of Medicine, and Science.
Summary
Does anybody have an inner voice? What to do when your inner voice becomes a source of anxiety, rumination, and negativity? What strategies can we use to calm the negative inner chatter when we are in distress? How does a child's inner voice develop, and how can parents help them to develop a positive inner voice? Join us as we chat about inner voice, chatter and self-regulation with Dr. Ethan Kross, a psychologist, social-affective neuroscience researcher and the author of Chatter, a book about the hidden power of our inner voice and how to harness it.
Key points:
"Inner voice" is our ability to use language silently in our mind
This capacity is a vital function that helps us in many life tasks, such as:
Keeping nuggets of verbal information active in our heads (verbal working memory system)
Simulating situations and planning in our heads (verbal rehearsal)
Helping us to control and motivate ourselves when we are struggling (self-motivation)
Helping us to create a story that makes sense of our experience in the world
Chatter is the "dark side" of your inner voice
Chatter happens when we struggle and the inner voice turns towards ourselves, in the form of rumination or negative thoughts
Chatter can have negative consequences. For instance, it can impair our executive functions (e.g. it is hard to concentrate on a task when the chatter won't stop)
When we are sucked in a problem we tend to narrow our vision and not look at the bigger picture, but we must remember to do so
Being able to identify when you are experiencing chatter is a crucial step in the process of harnessing it
How to deal with your inner chatter
Give yourself advice as you would for a good friend
Use the language in your favor: use second-person pronouns (e.g. say “you” instead of “I”) and use your name when talking to yourself
This puts you in a “coach” mode, like the one you use when you talk to other people
When dealing with an acute stressor, take a temporal distance
Think how you gonna feel one week, one month, or one year from now when the distress is over
Traveling forward in your mind helps you to remember that what you’re going through right now is temporary and it will pass
Vent your worries the right way - and with the right person
Due to cultural messages, we tend to think that venting about our worries is a helpful way to solve them
Expressing emotions and venting can strengthen a friendship but if all you do is venting, you still have the problem when you leave the conversation
The best kind of conversations does include venting emotions but don’t overdo it
The person you’re talking to should help you to see the big picture, reframe the experience and seek solutions
For that reason, be more deliberate with whom you consult about your worries. Seek people you know will help you to see the big picture
Knowing this can also help you to be a better chatter adviser for other people
If you are alone (e.g. the middle of the night frustration moment with a child that won’t stop crying) use affectionate touch
It means patting, caressing, or hugging yourself or your child
It soothes the child and yourself
This starts a cascade of stress-releasing factors.
It also reminds you of the love you share with your child
Come up with an action plan for distressful moments
Identify potential situation and write down your plan: if _______ happens, than I’ll do ________
Do self-experimentation to figure out what strategies (or combination of strategies) work for you in different situations
Helping your child to develop a positive inner-voice
Our inner voice is shaped by our caretakers, culture, friends, and social environment in general
Children repeat the things we say to them to themselves and this can become part of their inner voice
This is not unidirectional: what children say to parents can influence parents inner voices too
You can still be critical with our children when needed, you don’t have to only give them positive messages
Experiencing only positive emotions will not give children the opportunity to grow and learn with experience
When you need to give correcting feedback, do it with compassion
Engaging in self-critique (without getting stuck in it) provides children with an opportunity to learn with their experience
Resources:
Check Ethan's book Chatter (USA and Canada) to learn more strategies to deal with your inner chatter
Being Present: Focusing on the Present Predicts Improvements in Life Satisfaction But Not Happiness (PDF)
When Chatting About Negative Experiences Helps—and When It Hurts (PDF)
Distanced self-talk changes how people conceptualize the self (PDF)
Smarter, Not Harder: A Toolbox Approach to Enhancing Self-Control (PDF)
