How can I encourage my child to embrace failure?

Written by Stephanie Dodier

According to research, adapting your attitude/language as a parent can make a difference.

What is a growth mindset?

Very early in life children learn to believe that their intelligence and abilities are either something they are born with it (fixed mindset) or something that is malleable and can change over time (growth mindset). How does that unfold in real life?

James (an 11th grader) has always excelled at school thus far with minimum effort. He was always praised for his intelligence. You see, school is easy for him. Sometimes, he even becomes bored. His stepbrother, Laurent, has never been the smart one, but he’s always worked really hard to maintain average grades. They both register for my Chemistry 11 class, a steep step from Science 10. They soon realize that they need to work harder to understand the course material. On the one hand, James is not used to this unexpected workload and he becomes upset when he doesn’t get the A’s he is accustomed to. He is uneasy at the thought of not looking smart. He doesn’t appreciate the feeling of uncertainty. He starts to disengage to justify his failing grades. On the other hand, Laurent comes in every lunch hour to ask questions. He completes his homework to the best of his ability. Soon, Laurent is raising his grades and his motivation consequently.

They both finished the course, but it’s not uncommon to see students like James drop a course just because they hate the fact of not being good at something. James has a fixed mindset –“I only succeed because I am smart” whereas Laurent has a growth mindset –“I didn’t succeed because I am not smart enough yet”.

Why is it important?

Fostering a growth mindset is considered an asset because it could lead to a child “being more willing to embrace challenges, persist when they encounter setbacks, view effort as a means to mastering new things and learn from critical feedback (Dweck, 2006)”. These children also tend to become lifelong learners because they are motivated from within (intrinsic motivation). Moreover, many studies suggest that having a growth mindset could leave to better academic results. It can also act as a protective factor against gender, socio-economical and racial stereotypes (Aronson, Fried, and Good (2002).

Dreamy, right?!

How to foster a growth mindset as a parent?

These mindsets and attitudes towards learning stem partly on the way a child is praised by parents and educators and the child’s personal experiences with success and failure. So, as a parent, you do play a part in how your kids will perceive their intelligence and their inclination to take on challenges and persevere. What can you do?

Here are a few tips:

Be a model

Your child is watching. Model for your child what it is like to persevere in tough situations and that it is okay to fail.

“Ouf, this is hard, but I will give it a try anyways… Yey, I got it! I’m so proud of myself for pushing through.”

Encourage taking risks/challenges

There is actually an array of studies that encourage risk-taking for young children. By encouraging risky play, you are giving your child more opportunities to persevere through difficult situations while still being aware of their environment. Make sure that you offer age appropriate challenges and that you provide scaffolding if necessary.

“Dad, I want to climb this tree!” “Let’s see. This tree looks a bit dangerous for you right now. How about we try this one to prepare for the bigger one one day? How do you feel about that?”

BONUS: you won’t resist smiling when you see the face of your child after they succeeded on its own.

Let your child fail

Yes, you heard right. You need to let your child deal with failure in order for them to be able to embrace it.

The power of yet

Use language like “You can’t do this yet”. This phrasing is sending a strong message insinuating that the potential is there… it is merely waiting to be developed. The brain is malleable.

“Gee, you did your best at this math test. You didn’t quite master this concept yet. Let’s find ways to help you understand it for next time.”

Avoid labels and praise/notice efforts

When kids are constantly being praised for being smart (“You are so smart”), they internalize that they succeed because of their inert abilities and not because of hard work per se. This is especially common when this situation happens when children accomplished a task with minimal effort. Therefore, they develop an understanding of success as it should be easy… when we all know that it doesn’t necessarily work that way in real life. The solution: focus on your child’s efforts and the task itself and give challenges when needed.

“You worked so hard on that homework. I admire your concentration.”

“You used the blue and the red for this painting. Tell me about it.”

Resources:

Dweck, C. S. (2006). Mindset: The new psychology of success. New York, NY: Random House.

Aronson, J., Fried, C., & Good, C. (2002). Reducing the effects of stereotype threat on African American college students by shaping theories of intelligence. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 38, 113–125.

Pohl, A.J. & Nelson, J.A.G. (2020). Promoting Growth Mindset to Foster Cognitive Engagement. In: Reschly A., Pohl A., Christenson S. (eds) Student Engagement. Springer, Cham.

https://doi-org.proxy.lib.sfu.ca/10.1007/978-3-030-37285-9_16