Presented BY DR KIMBERLEY BENNETT, CHILD ADOLESCENT AND EDUCATIONAL PSYCHOLOGIST, **@THE_PSYCHOLOGISTS_CHILD**

Given the the current situations with COVID, many parents have been emailing us their questions about attachment theory. In this video, Dr. Bennett answers questions we received by many parents on Instagram during the week she was our guest collaborator. Follow @curious_neuron on Instagram to learn about a different topic every week.

1 - WHAT IS ATTACHMENT THEORY?

I want to learn more about my child through a course

Attachment is a theory of relationships that begins in infancy.
It is through the relationship with the primary caregiver that a baby begins to learn about themselves, others, and the world around them. Within the context of this relationship the baby also begins to learn how to self-regulate.
Through the repeated experience of having their needs noticed and met by their attachment figure, the baby learns that they are safe in the world. That, when they need someone, someone shows up for them and works to meet their needs and soothe them. They learn to go from a state of chaos and dysregulation to feeling calm.
Through these repeated experiences, hundreds of times a day for many years, the baby develops an internal working model, which is a mental template about themselves that influences them across a lifespan and shapes how they interact with the world.

2 - DOES ATTACHMENT HELP WITH SOCIAL DEVELOPMENT IN TODDLERHOOD?

Yes! A secure attachment is one of the best predictors of a range of positive outcomes for children. Including better relationships with their peers, parents, siblings, and friends. It even impacts their romantic relationships later in life! Attachment creates a template of what to expect from relationships across the lifespan.

3 - HOW DO WE SUPPORT THE TRANSITION OF OUR BABY INTO DAYCARE IF THEY ARE VERY ATTACHED?

First, support your child to understand that separations are temporary and to understand that the adults that they love and care about “always come back.” Build separations up gradually and in the context of safe and secure relationships. Second, the transition into daycare will be much easier once your child has established a relationship with their new caregiver, so anything you can do to build that relationship will be really helpful. It is really important to meet with their new caregiver with you present to give your child the message that this new adult is safe and trustworthy, and to support them to develop this relationship.

4 - CAN YOU IMPROVE ATTACHMENT?

Yes! It is never too late to change your relationship with your child. We can always change our interaction patterns with our child and move towards interactions that will build a more secure attachment. The 4 S’s model by Dr. Dan Siegal and Dr Tina Payne Bryson from their book The Power of Showing Up provides lots of ideas.

5 - HOW MIGHT COVID-19 IMPACT ATTACHMENT WITH MY CHILD?

The Circle of Security model from Raising a Secure Child talks about how children have two needs. They need us to be a secure base from which they explore, and they also need us to be their safe haven that they can return to when they feel anxious or uncertain. During Covid, our kids have experienced a period of heightened anxiety. As parents we have been giving our children the message about how the world isn’t as safe now as it was several months ago. In addition, our children will be picking up on our anxieties. So our children may have an increased need for more reassurance, they will need us to be more available to them as their safe haven. Click HERE to read attachment posts on her Instagram feed.

6 - Can sleep training and secure attachment co-exist?

Definitely watch the video for my complete answer on this one. In short, yes, it is, but there are other options if this is not something you want to do within your own family. If we look to the literature from neuroscience, attachment science, infant development and interpersonal neurobiology research, it creates a picture that differs from the information available around “cry-it-out”. What the brain-based research indicates is that attuned and responsive care is optimal for our child’s brain development. I believe that responding to an infant’s distress is important which is why cry-it-out is not something I recommend. Some children become very distressed when they are expected to fall asleep without support. We have evidence that little ones can’t self-soothe, they need to “borrow” our pre-frontal cortex to calm down. This is why they need us to show up when they are distressed. Infancy is a period of significant opportunity because the infant brain is developing so rapidly, so I recommend responsive parenting approaches that nurture our little one’s developing brains, and still promote sleep. We have to be mindful of what information is available to families when they are making decisions about what is in the best interests of their family, and what is their capacity at the time when they are making these decisions.

Can my 18-month-old be too attached?

No. It is my view that society places too much value on little people who are independent and not enough value on little kids who show signs of a secure attachment. Little ones who seek reassurance from their “safe haven” when in new or novel situations tend to be labelled as shy or anxious, and those labels can be really unhelpful because actually those children may just be securely attached. Temperament plays a role here too. You may have one child who is securely attached and is more willing to explore, and another child who is securely attached but slow-to-warm-up; these little ones tend to be more cautious initially. If you have a child who seeks reassurance from you in novel situations or is reluctant to transition to new adults, it doesn’t mean that they are “too attached”, it often means they are securely attached and we need to spend more time building their relationship with the less familiar adult.